El Primo may have been my first Mexican affair, but he wasn't my first Latin lover. Just like Latin America, it may have been my first experience traveling solo, but it wasn't where I lost my backpacking virginity.
Becoming a travel addict was my predestined fate. Even though it surprised everyone I knew, myself included, when I decided to go to Guatemala all by my lonesome, it shouldn't have. I had always been restless, rebellious and adventurous. Out of high school, I had chosen some random state school in Washington thousands of miles from my Chicago home just because I wanted a change of scenery. I went out there all by myself without thinking twice about potential loneliness or even culture shock. It sounds a little funny to talk about culture shock within the US, but there was a difference between crass, witty, sharp Chicago and mellow, secluded, idealistic Washington. No one really understood my sarcasm or my sense of humor and because I wasn't from Seattle or Spokane, I began to feel like an outsider.
The year I went to college, my dad moved to Japan and my brother and I went to visit him for a week over Thanksgiving. Two years after my dad moved to Japan, Seattle hosted the WTO convention and the city erupted in protest. The WTO chaos came at a time when I felt my own life was in chaos. I still hadn't found my niche at school. I didn't have close friends. With my general requirements behind me, it was time to start my major and I had no idea what I wanted to study. I was confused, lonely and bored. So, I ditched a final for a class and went to bear witness to the protests.
I went with my roommate and we met up with a bunch of his friends from his hometown. The intensity of a city on lock-down only nurtured my restlessness, my confusion and the emerging hippy inside. After being cleared from downtown Seattle by a tear gas lock down resembling martial law, I ended up at my roommate's brother's house with all his friends. The high charge of the day had spilled over into the kitchen and everyone was talking at once. Still in a half-state of shock, I welcomed the low, whispered invitation to go out to the back porch for a cigarette.
I had met my roommate's brother, the Nameless One, a few times before in passing. His invitation to escape to the back porch came at sunset. We ended up talking until the sun rose, never leaving the cool night air. Up until then, I had been starved for meaningful conversation, for real connection, for male attention and I started to crush hard.
We talked about everything, anything and nothing all at once. We talked about our restlessness, our boredom and our shared desire to see more of the world. I had told him about my recent introduction to Asia and he, too, had been recently turned onto the eastern land. He knew people who had gone to Thailand with nothing more than a couple hundred dollars and their backpacks. We talked about the food, the people, the temples, the beaches and the escape they offered from a wet Washington winter.
Our excitement grew with every little anecdote exchanged. We worked ourselves up into such a frenzy that I just looked at him and said, “Well, let’s go!”
He chuckled and shrugged it off like, “Yeah, yeah, in our dreams.”
I just kept staring at him and said, “No seriously. Let’s go. Everyone says it’s cheap, right? We can give ourselves like four months to save the money. We can go after my winter quarter. My parents will freak, but I’ll just take spring quarter off and travel. It will be like the Europe trip I never had. I can talk them into it. Oh my God, dude!! Let’s do it!”
He looked a little shocked and hesitant, “I don’t know, I mean, yeah, I could save enough money in four months to travel around Thailand, but I’ve looked into plane tickets. It’s expensive to fly over there. I mean, I don’t…”
“No worries, man. My dad will fly us to Japan. He feels kinda guilty about moving over there, he’ll do anything to get me to come visit. All we would have to do is get the flight to Thailand. Come on! It’s perfect. My birthday is coming up so I can pitch it to him like it’s a birthday present. We can’t just sit around and talk about traveling. We’re young. Let’s go.”
My heart was beating fast while I waited for him to answer. He was looking down into his lap, but I could see a hopeful smirk appear on his face. He took a deep breath, “Seriously, your dad would fly us out there? Well, man, if that’s the case. How could I say no? Let’s go to fucking Asia!!!”
We started making plans in that late-night, newly acquainted, thrilling kind of way. Most plans at sunrise remain only words and hardly ever become reality, but the shared determination of the Nameless One, my destiny and myself turned that talk into my first parent-free trip as a backpacker.
* * *
I went to a party with the Nameless One. Upon entering the party, he told me he wanted to introduce me to a guy named Boy Wonder.
"Boy Wonder is my best friend," he explained, "and he just bought his ticket to Bangkok, so he can meet up with us for a couple weeks."
"Oh cool," I said, the information not registering immediately, "Wait. What?!?"
"Hey Boy Wonder, this is Melissa," the Nameless One said introducing me to one of four guys standing together.
"Oh, hey Melissa," Boy Wonder said turning to other guys, "This is the girl who's coming with Nameless and me to Southeast Asia."
"Wiggity-what?" I thought. I was going on their trip with them? This trip had been in the works for months and suddenly a week before our departure this Boy Wonder character, that I just met, announced he was coming as well, making me sound like the tag-along?!? Was he kidding?
It turned out that he wasn't kidding and I found myself as the female third-wheel on a boy-bonding trip. Any romantic notions I had about Asia and falling in love were squashed. The first part and the last part of the trip, when it was just the Nameless One and I, were amazing, filled with tangible memories, but I might as well have been traveling alone for the parts in between.
Every morning, it was the same conversation:
"Hey dude, what do you want to do today?"
"I don't know, man. What do you want to do?"
After a brief discussion and eventual agreement about the day's activities, they would turn to me, "So, uh, Melissa, what are you planning on doing today?"
"I guess whatever you guys are doing," was always my stupid answer.
Looking back, most of the trip seems like a huge waste. I wasted my dad's generosity and I wasted my first time, my backpacking virginity on the Nameless One. I ended up on someone else's trip, following someone else's itinerary. I was seen as the nagging female voice that was never taken seriously. At one point, when I voiced my dissatisfaction at feeling left out, the Nameless One actually told me that maybe it would be better if I traveled by myself, that he would meet up with me after Boy Wonder left.
In the moment, I had been appalled at the suggestion. Travel by myself?!? Was he insane? He wasn't, he was actually right. I should have gone on my own. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have fallen hopelessly in love with someone so unattainable as the Nameless One. Maybe I wouldn't have returned to Washington more depressed, more confused than when I left. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone, if I had gone on my own.
I thought I needed to travel with someone, a man, to protect me from vague dangers and to keep me company. It wasn't until I went to Thailand with the two boys that I realized it was possible to be lonely even when you're with people. It took me three years to build up the courage to go traveling by myself and now that I have, I don't think I would travel any other way.
What I didn't realize is that if I had gone to Thailand by myself, I wouldn't have been alone. I would have met so many other people and done so many other things. Instead, I lost my traveling virginity much in the same way I lost my sexual virginity, to someone who wasn't worthy of it.
My first adult, self-planned trip, to Southeast Asia no less, should have been epic. If I had gone under any other circumstances or with anyone else, it probably would have been. Like a stupid girl, I let romantic prospects get the better of me. I let my crush on the Nameless One eclipse all the amazing experiences that were at my fingertips. If I had gone alone, or at least on my own terms, like I had expected, the trip may have turned out how I imagined it, but about a week before we were going to leave, my trip was hijacked.
I went to a party with the Nameless One. Upon entering the party, he told me he wanted to introduce me to a guy named Boy Wonder.
"Boy Wonder is my best friend," he explained, "and he just bought his ticket to Bangkok, so he can meet up with us for a couple weeks."
"Oh cool," I said, the information not registering immediately, "Wait. What?!?"
"Hey Boy Wonder, this is Melissa," the Nameless One said introducing me to one of four guys standing together.
"Oh, hey Melissa," Boy Wonder said turning to other guys, "This is the girl who's coming with Nameless and me to Southeast Asia."
"Wiggity-what?" I thought. I was going on their trip with them? This trip had been in the works for months and suddenly a week before our departure this Boy Wonder character, that I just met, announced he was coming as well, making me sound like the tag-along?!? Was he kidding?
It turned out that he wasn't kidding and I found myself as the female third-wheel on a boy-bonding trip. Any romantic notions I had about Asia and falling in love were squashed. The first part and the last part of the trip, when it was just the Nameless One and I, were amazing, filled with tangible memories, but I might as well have been traveling alone for the parts in between.
Every morning, it was the same conversation:
"Hey dude, what do you want to do today?"
"I don't know, man. What do you want to do?"
After a brief discussion and eventual agreement about the day's activities, they would turn to me, "So, uh, Melissa, what are you planning on doing today?"
"I guess whatever you guys are doing," was always my stupid answer.
Looking back, most of the trip seems like a huge waste. I wasted my dad's generosity and I wasted my first time, my backpacking virginity on the Nameless One. I ended up on someone else's trip, following someone else's itinerary. I was seen as the nagging female voice that was never taken seriously. At one point, when I voiced my dissatisfaction at feeling left out, the Nameless One actually told me that maybe it would be better if I traveled by myself, that he would meet up with me after Boy Wonder left.
In the moment, I had been appalled at the suggestion. Travel by myself?!? Was he insane? He wasn't, he was actually right. I should have gone on my own. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have fallen hopelessly in love with someone so unattainable as the Nameless One. Maybe I wouldn't have returned to Washington more depressed, more confused than when I left. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone, if I had gone on my own.
I thought I needed to travel with someone, a man, to protect me from vague dangers and to keep me company. It wasn't until I went to Thailand with the two boys that I realized it was possible to be lonely even when you're with people. It took me three years to build up the courage to go traveling by myself and now that I have, I don't think I would travel any other way.
What I didn't realize is that if I had gone to Thailand by myself, I wouldn't have been alone. I would have met so many other people and done so many other things. Instead, I lost my traveling virginity much in the same way I lost my sexual virginity, to someone who wasn't worthy of it.
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